So, to forgive is, to me, more than to think or say or act as though what had happened was not a big deal, and less than forgetting what that someone has done to offend us. It is somewhere inbetween the two. I know that doesn’t really help you – we all can use a little more definition. So, I wish to share in here some of what I am thinking about forgiveness. Keep in mind these are only my opinions.
We won’t wait for the person who offended us to repent before we forgive
We don’t need to wait for the people who offended us to repent in order for us to forgive them. We won’t wait for repentance. We forgive. When they repent and ask us for our forgiveness, we forgive. When they won’t repent, and they won’t ask us for our forgiveness, we forgive. Whether they choose to repent or not to repent, we forgive. What they choose to do or not do and our decision to forgive have nothing to do with each other.
I am certain God would have loved for you and me to repent before he forgave us, but he forgave us even before we repented. He didn’t wait for us to repent. Another way to think of this is if he was set on waiting for us to repent before he would forgive us, he would have waited for all eternity, and then some.
Romans 5.8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
We forgive. We forgive even if forgiveness was never requested. We forgive even if the people who offended us would not accept what they had done to us was wrong. We forgive if they do not even want our forgiveness. We forgive even when they never find out for the rest of their life what they had done. But each time we forgive, God most definitely counts that as our act of forgiveness.
We won’t keep thinking about the offense
I said earlier that part of forgiving others is not to bring up their sin again and again. But I will go even further. Forgiving others is not to bring up their sin again and again, to ourselves. When others have offended us, it is easy for us to keep thinking about what happened. I do this. I cannot break from thinking about it, especially when very little time has passed, and the hurt is still raw. When we forgive, we don’t talk about it to the person who offended us. But we also don’t talk about it to ourselves.
To forgive someone means we have come to the point in our lives where the first thing we think about that someone is not what he or she had done to us. I understand this will not happen overnight. I understand it will probably take some time, and it likely will take some time. But we don’t want to see this take a long time. If a long time has passed, and we are unable to think of that someone no differently than we think of others, it is possible we have not yet forgiven.
We won’t gossip
Most of us don’t like to be confrontational with the people who offended us. They do something to offend us. They say something insensitive towards us, and we feel hurt. But it is just not natural for us to say anything. We won’t know what to say, or how to say it, anyway. So, we do what we know. We keep the hurt to ourselves. We hold a grudge.
But what happens when holding a grudge is not enough? Don’t we sometimes go straight to tell others about what had happened, so we can begin to feel better? We won’t openly take revenge, but we can do something similar, only in a more subtle way. We share with some people in our lives what the people who offended us had done. Other times, we broadcast it on social media. Hoping that our friends would come to know what they had done to us clearly says we have not begun the work of forgiveness. Gossip has no place in our worship of God.
Proverbs 18.8 The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels, And they go down into the innermost parts of the body.
We won’t rejoice when something bad happens to the person who offended us
So, we didn’t take revenge on the people who had done something to offend us. But, what if the revenge didn’t come from us? In other words, what if something bad happened to the people who offended us, but we were not the ones to cause it? Perhaps someone else had done something to offend them? Or perhaps a mishap, a misfortune, not caused by anyone? Would we rejoice in our heart when we hear that something bad happened to the people who offended us? Would we feel even a little happy about it?
Because you and I have sin, there is something satisfying when karma strikes those who have hurt us (humanly speaking). We may not necessarily wish for something bad to happen to the people who offended us. We may not look for them to fail. But when something bad comes into their life, even though we had nothing to do with it, we secretly rejoice. Make no mistake. Rejoicing over something bad happening to the people who offended us has no part in forgiveness.
On the flip side, if something good were to happen to the people who offended us, will we know how to rejoice with them? Can we be happy for them? If we cannot really do that from our heart, can we honestly say we have forgiven them? We will know we have forgiven them if we are truly happy for them, in the same way we are truly happy if the same thing happens to anyone else. We have forgiven them if we are not overcome by jealousy when they have made a significant achievement, and we are able to congratulate them, and rejoice with them.
Proverbs 24.17 Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles.
We help the person who offended us
The natural thing for us to do when the people who offended us have a need is to look the other way. We pretend that we didn’t see or hear about their request for help. This is not forgiveness. One of the signs we know we have forgiven others is when we are ready to help them, without delay, in the same way we are ready to help anyone else, without delay. The people surrounding us should not be able to tell who is the person who offended us. No one should be able to tell who are our friends and who are our enemies.
After Adam and Eve sinned in the garden and began down their path to have nothing to do with God, God did not pretend as if he didn’t know they needed his help. He didn’t look the other way. He asked, “Adam, where are you?” without delay.
We pray for the person who offended us
To me, this one is the hardest. If we are serious about forgiving someone, it requires us to pray for the people who offended us. I wish it weren’t true, but I think it is true because it is right there in our Bibles. When it says in the Bible we are to pray for them, I am not thinking we are to pray for God to show them how great is their sin, and what bad people they are. Rather, we pray for God to bless them. In other words, we pray for good things to happen in their lives. I won’t keep thinking about what the person did to me. I won’t gossip. I won’t wish for something bad to happen to him. I can even help him in his hour of need. But please, oh please, don’t ask me to pray for him.
Luke 6.27–28 But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.
1 Peter 3.9 Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.
Luke 23.34 And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”